a pain in the ass

So what awesome new thing did I get to learn about today? Was it lazers? Or quantum teleportation? Or Linguistic origins of the word "fuck"? No, today I got to learn all about hemorrhoids! Por que? Why? Because it fucking hurts to do ANYTHING!

So let's begin our descent into the wonderful world of rectal blood-vessel inflammation. It just sounds awesome, doesn't it? Well kids, hemorrhoids are inflamed or distended veins in and around your anus. They swell up and hurt really bad, and the only thing you can do about it is rub cream on em or offer them money until they decide to leave. Some people have to go to a doctor to have them removed, but I'm not a jerk.

They are most commonly caused by constipation, pregnancy, and diarrhea. Come to think of it, I am pregnant so that must be why I want to kill myself every time I sit down. Actually the third is probably the cause of my anguish. I was VERY sick last week. I have been advised by the Internet to take it easy, take salt baths and rub bizarre things all over my butt.

Okay, so maybe this wasn't the most informed bout of learning, but it is practical. Soon lazers. Soon. Until then, here's some required reading:

Cause of Hemorrhoids
Web MD Hemorrhoids
Wikipedia Hemorrhoids
Family Tree Hemorrhoids